When you just want to be important....


...When you're the youngest of 8 kids, you'll do pretty much anything you can to get attention. Hang on your brother's back, steal your sister's jacket, anything to annoy the heck out of any of them. I figured that if people recognized my existence, then any consequence was worth it. As an adult, you would think that all of those insecurities would go away, that a grown woman would not crave the attention of others. But at times, I feel like that 10 year old little girl, trying to get a laugh, trying to get a look, just wanting to be reassured that someone notices me. That someone wants to be with me.

The word valuable means "very useful or helpful; important and limited in amount." Isn't that really what we ALL want--to feel like we are useful to someone else, that we are important and that there is no one else like us? I hate to admit it, but even as an adult, I look to find my value in others. I question my own character on whether or not someone pays attention to me. My value gets decided by the number of texts or calls I get from friends. My worth rests on if my husband chooses to spend his day off with me.

Ironically, I teach (aka lecture) my girls about how our identity and our value does not come from other's opinions of us, and that our true value lies in the fact that God made us and Christ redeemed us. So why is it so dang hard to live by this as an adult??? Because I have such stinkin big fears that flood my brain! Fear that I could be replaced at any minute. Fear that I will be rejected when the next best thing comes. Fear that I am not interesting enough, funny enough, or as important as the next person. I look for ways to validate that feeling I had growing up--people only spend time with you because they have to, not because they want to. Isolation, bitterness, and withdrawal are the byproducts of all this crappy way of thinking, and I hate it.

As I recognize that I'm looking to people to give me the validation that only God can give, I have to remind myself of what's true and real. I AM valuable, I AM lovable, I AM important. I AM irreplaceable. Because my God says I am.

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